Impostor Syndrome
You’ve stumbled onto a post where I discuss what’s on my mind, and this particular topic has been swirling around my head for the past month: impostor syndrome. Perhaps you’re unfamiliar with the term, but most likely, at some point, you’ve experienced it.
Impostor syndrome is the feeling that you’re unqualified or underqualified to perform in a certain role, and furthermore, that you’ll be found out as a fraud.
My crutch to get me through the times when I have been asked to serve in a role where I feel inadequate is that I overprepare. It’s a way that I feel compensates for anything I think I lack to wear a title or serve in a role.
The main problem with this is I tried to envision what accomplishments I’d need to achieve before I’d feel comfortable doing the things I’m already being asked to do. Having a website and sharing writing advice and my work didn’t give me the sense of having any authority. I went through a bout of impostor syndrome doing that. Getting published in literary magazines didn’t make me feel like I’d earned any qualifications either. In each of the steps or achievements I could list, I went through that feeling of being unqualified to fill those positions.
What about when I publish my first book? Will that make me feel qualified to fill any of the roles I’m already doing? I realized the answer was no. It’s a weird feeling too, as I know I am getting closer to hitting that mark. I didn’t even fully recognize that this was some line in the sand that I think many writers hold. Where on this side you’re nothing, and on the other side you’re magically an author with the credentials to serve as host or judge at a poetry event, for example. It turns out that line is arbitrary and holds no magical powers.
I don’t mean to say it doesn’t get easier. After serving in certain roles without anyone calling me out as an impostor, I feel satisfied that everyone is at least comfortable with me continuing in that role. I must do it well enough. Otherwise, someone would have complained already. Right?
So how do I deal with this uncomfortable feeling? About the same way I deal with any other feeling of fear when it pertains to writing-related activities: I push through and do it anyway. If someone is kind enough to ask me to serve in a certain role, I accept. I then hold my breath and hope they don’t discover they’ve made a terrible mistake and rescind their offer.
The funny thing is that by saying yes, I’m gaining the experience I think I’m so woefully short on.
What’s the takeaway? Impostor syndrome is a common feeling, but mostly it’s an inaccurate fear. I never exaggerate my accomplishments when I’m speaking to someone. I tend to feel that if they’ve offered me an opportunity they made assumptions about things I’ve done outside of the scope of what I told them. They probably don’t, but even if they do, it’s not based on the information I gave them. Moreover, the roles I’m asked to do, like running a poetry workshop for elementary students, is not that complicated. The hardest part is overcoming the anxiety.
I know about writing. I love it. I try to learn everything I can about it. And how hard is it to share something about a topic I love?
What’s your experience with impostor syndrome? Has it ever held you back?
I read this post around lunch time today and have been thinking about it since.
I’ve had my bouts of Imposter Syndrome and/or Flaming Insecurity, depending on how you want to look at it. My biggest and most recent one was when my oldest sister stumbled on a comment I’d made on my blog about my NaNoWriMo story.
I’ve shown her my stories on my cosistories blog and she has really liked them. But then she noticed that comment about my Jack Jilhouse story and she was like “Ooo! Let me read that one.” And I very quietly panicked inside my head.
I had never shown her any of my full length stories before. So, I was thinking “She’s going to hate it. She’s going to think that it’s a stupid idea for a story. She’ll think that the characters are stupid. She’ll think that the dialogue is stupid. She’ll think that the flashbacks are confusing AND stupid.”
But I was like, “Hey. I let complete strangers read my Ambrose and Elsie story. I can let my sister read my Jack Jilhouse story. It’ll be okay. If she hates it, okay. Fine. I still believe in this story. Even if she hates it, I will still want to work on it.”
So, I showed it to her.
And she loved it.
She’s kind of addicted to it. Every Saturday, we go to the local Starbucks and I let her read my most recent chapters. Sometimes I have only one for her to read. Other times, I have three or more. Her reactions to the story encourage me to keep pushing it forward. There have been a few times where I wrote in a certain detail or a reveal and I was like ” 😆 I can’t wait to see how she reacts to this.”
I love this routine you’ve started with your sister to share your new chapters! That’s so wonderful, and I imagine it’s rewarding to get to see someone you love respond so well to your story.
I have this trick I do, where I lie to myself and tell myself that no one is reading my blog anyway, so it’ll be okay to post something. And the funny thing is that when I get a comment on it I have this stunned moment of disbelief because I bought into the lie a little and really believed no one was reading it. Haha
It’s really the only way I was able to talk myself into blogging in the first place.
I don’t know if it’s a weird introvert thing or if it’s that if I lower my expectation and assume no one will read it, then I won’t be disappointed. Because honestly, I share writing advice because I really want to help other writers and I hope those in need find their way to the information that is helpful, and I share my stories and poems because I really hope others will enjoy them. It’s such a weird thing to tell myself no one will read them while also holding hope somewhere that lots of people will read them.
It is very rewarding. 😀
“It’s such a weird thing to tell myself no one will read them while also holding hope somewhere that lots of people will read them.” That’s kind of like how I felt when I started my Ambrose and Elsie blog. I was like “It’s just one blog among so many. No one will probably even notice it, especially since the characters are all mine. They aren’t based on any fandom characters.” But all the same I wanted to get those stories out there into a wider audience.
I’ve experienced this in the past. I remember feeling fearful every time someone asked to read my writing that I limited it to a small group of people. But now, I am open to critique especially honest ones. I tell the readers if they don’t like my writing, it’s okay for it’s not for everyone. I hope I’m on the right page as this post for I’m somewhat a little sleepy even though I’m in the office!
Critiques are an interesting thing. I’ve always wanted someone I trust to give me feedback on all the things that need work, but I think how well I receive them is an ongoing process. I always want to improve and get the story shaped into its best version. But sometimes critiques can feel a little personal and other times I find them quite exciting as I see the manuscript improving. I think the only difference between the two is distance, so I usually let edit recommendations rest for a few days. That usually allows me to feel excited about them when I tackle them.