Identity: Writer

I am a passionate person, and I have discovered over the years that things I truly love or am passionate about become wrapped up in my identity. For years, I’ve described writing as not something I do, it’s who I am.

I’ve found that I’m not the only writer or creative person who feels this way. In fact, I think it’s something that probably goes beyond the creative community. At my first writing workshop, I remember hearing one of the authors describe her love for writing in much the same way, and I thought, “Yes! Here’s someone who gets me.” It somehow felt like an affirmation that writing was my calling.

It’s only recently dawned on me that one of my biggest struggles, as I push two larger projects toward completion, stems from wrapping my identity in with my passion for writing.

First, it’s a problem because I’m much more than just a writer. One of the things I’ve always liked about writing are all the possibilities and how it allows me to dabble in many fields of study.

But let me get right to the real reason wrapping my identity in with my passion is a problem. It raises the stakes every time I put my work out into the world for judgment. It makes every rejection personal. As if the literary magazine, agent, or publisher is telling me that I’m a failure as a person. How awful is that? Especially, since logically I know that rejections can have very little to do with the quality of a piece and more to do with the audience of a magazine, agent, or publisher and whether that piece fits in with the types of pieces their audience likes.

I think this leads to the fear many writers face when publishing their first book. It’s somehow a symbol of whether that writer will have a career in writing or not.

Personally, I intend to learn and grow long after I publish my first book. So, reasonably, my first book will hopefully be the worst of everything I publish. Which is a really funny thing to say. Why would I publish something that’s going to be my worst? I don’t mean to say it won’t be good. I’m currently in love with the books I’m working on, and I hope there are readers out there who will feel the same way. At the same time, I hope that I haven’t already hit my best.

To enter these new areas of development and to get the most out of my career as a writer, I have to distance myself a little from my passion. It has to become what I do and not who I am. I have to allow myself to fail so that ultimately I can succeed. And I do push myself and put myself into positions where I can be rejected, but it comes with an unhealthy amount of fear. Fear that if I fail, who will I be? And every attempt at getting published cannot be a life or death stake. Who can survive that type of pressure?

The fear of failing becomes an insurmountable obstacle that you avoid. Because if you don’t try then you can’t fail and you can cling to your identity. But what’s that identity worth if you’re never able to become what you’ve determined is so important to you?