Dusty Poems 18

Welcome to Dusty Poems, a poetry series created from a collection of poems I wrote in college. When I reflect on these poems, I’m reminded of how angsty I was as I tried to find my way in life. Even at this stage, I worried about and wrestled with the real fear that I’d never become a writer. I see this fear arise time and time again in these poems. I’m leaving these poems untouched, just as they were written back then. I would do so much editing on these poems that they would become completely different poems. Regardless, I hope you enjoy them. The one for today is a longer poem, so there’s only one stanza on the image below, but you can read it in its entirety below that.

I once saw myself and I knew who I was
A dream
An illusion
Nothing real it seemed

So I dream
I long
I long to do more than just dream

I close my eyes
thoughts gone astray

If I promised you forever
would it ever be enough
If I gave you what was left of me
what would it be worth
If I told you I couldn’t tell you
what was bearing on my soul
could you ever understand
when even I don’t know

If I unleashed the thoughts of my mind
how could you help me
What would we find

I thought I knew
I thought I could tell
But anymore nothing seems well

I can’t release this tension
that’s bottled up inside
and even if I could
where else would I hide

I sit on the mountain of my reality
suddenly believing in other’s mortality
I continue on
notice not the vitality

Ironically the time seems eternal
The suffering of course is internal

If you’ll forgive me
your memory I can rid

I am flattered that you cared
as foolish as it may have been
The fact that I hurt you meant nothing
think not of it as sin

This thought alone has the ability to terrify
If its proof you need
I may not be able to verify

But know in truth
my fear is real

My heart, it aches
it’s out of control
My soul is confined
with nowhere to go

I dream of escaping
somehow I get away
In spite of myself
all the pain fades away
But all I really seek
is the ability to believe…
in everything
OR anything

So I cry and I pray
I find the way
I seek it to be free
And if I could I’d take the help

But it’s me I can’t escape
It’s me who trapped myself
And if I could just remember
where I’d left the key
I’d sweep it up in a second
A moment would set me free
But I can’t release myself
no matter how I try

The self control I have left
prevents me from drowning as I cry

It’s nothing more
but nothing less than a feeling
I need to find
a way of dealing

I find I am a stranger in my own life
I persecute myself
before others get the chance
I am my own destructor
with God’s help
I try to be my own savior

Let no one in and you’ll never get hurt
I’ve trained myself to think this well
If this is wrong
I won’t be the one to tell

My screaming comes piercing through the night
I hope you don’t want what I can’t give
I just want to be happy
I just want to live
But I cannot weep
If only you’ll hold me tight
but don’t think it’s that easy
you’ll have to put up a fight

I’ve dealt with this feeling
but not where it comes from

All I have given
all I have done
I thought it for the best
it was all to save the rest
But had I saved a little
would it have been enough

Could I have saved myself
Could I have sought praise from somebody else
If I’d spared a little
some strength is all I need
but all the ones I’ve tried to help
my warnings they did not heed
So did I waste myself on everyone else
was all my worrying completely in vain

I guess it’s too late to ask now
I continue to ramble
my life still in shambles
I guess there’s nothing left
except to surrender to the pain

Because when I saw myself
at least I knew the pain was real